COMING OUT OF THE (Suicidal) CLOSET.

So, it  turns out that it took me about 11 years to admit to  my family that I want to die.  As I said in my profile, my depression has been on and off, and to different degrees. So I don't want to die all the time, but there are times I've considered it quite closely.

One of the strategies we the depressed use, because we are too fussy to just die (I'd cut my wrists but I'm sort of hemophobic - which means I fear blood), and because we still care enough to not hurt our loved ones, is to try to kill ourselves  from the inside.  Now I haven't been able to talk about  this to many people because to be honest it does feel a bit dramatic and stupid now that am a bit more lucid (and quite humilliating when am down there in the dark), and it is also a harder concept to grasp. I will focus then  in the other way of dying, the I-want-to-throw-myself-from-a-cliff wanting to die.

The funny thing is that when I told that first one person on my family -who appears to be the toughest- that I felt like dying, that I've got no more things to live for and don't want to live anymore... guess what? I was told that she has felt the same way!!. Now, I can imagine not everyone will react the same way, some will be actually baffled because they had no idea what was going on with you, others will probably deny or stigmatize it or maybe they would actually want to support you. BUT one thing is for sure you will feel RELIEVED  Somebody out there, who you care about, knows. You have allowed your balloon of misery to deplete a bit more by letting some pain out and/or haring it where  it was possible.

Do expect as well to feel ashamed too.  No one wants to be seen as the weak, the victim. But hey, everyone has feelings!! Just that yours are intensified right now. Maybe you are just a sensible person. Maybe its just the way you assimilate things. What about all those existentialist philosophers pondering about the meaning of life? Do you think they would not be feeling a bit like dying if they were questioning what's this life for? Would you think of Nietzsche as weak? (If you did he probably wouldn't care anyways).

I compare this feeling of shame to the concept of sunken costs. This is a concept that is related to business and economy, and also frequently to poker. In essence, in poker at times you don't have that much of a good hand, but you have invested so much money on it, for sake of the bet,  or the excitement or perhaps because of pure pride, that you just keep on betting, even if you are more likely to lose in the end. So instead of withdrawing, swallowing that pride, you  keep playing AND ultimately end up losing the money -and your pride.

Being ashamed of having suicidal thoughts is just like that. You hold on to your feelings of shame and probably pride so much because you don't want to lose. But if you actually swallow a bit of that pride, let go of them, you can keep on playing on the next round life has to offer.

So come out of the closet, choose wisely, and let someone know today that you'd been feeling like dying.